5 Subject Notebook
Each and every week (or so), I will discuss five topics, most of which will be about entertainment. This is the first column.
DUNE
Planning to see Dune 2 this weekend? Here’s a fun idea for you and your friends. Treat yourself to a marathon. First, watch part one of Dune and then go out to the theater to see Dune 2. I know. A lot of people are doing that. But here’s the exciting part: every time someone on screen says “spice,” do a hit of acid. If they say “spice melange,” do two hits of acid. Just be ready with your acid because the word “spice” is going to come up a lot since everyone is fighting over spice. So you’re gonna be doing a lot of acid, and it’s gonna get a little crazy, a little insane in the ‘ole membrane, but if you don’t take risks, you miss out on special things. So do it.
Also, do yourself a big favor and watch the 1984 David Lynch version of Dune after you watch the modern Dune movies. Aside from Lynch’s Dune being a complete unintelligible mess, with a much lower budget and special effects that look like they were created on the old Logo program, it’s just as good. And in one respect, it’s better because in Lynch’s Dune, Sting - former Police frontman and legendary rock star - prances around in a g-string and flashes menacing looks with some real mustard on them. Now, that’s a fun little treat.
OSCARS
By the time you read this newsletter, the Oscars might be over. I’m going to guess that Oppenheimer will sweep most of the awards. I think it should, honestly. Christopher Nolan made an epic three-hour art movie, and it made a billion dollars. We all need more of that in our lives. It was not a bad year for movies, and I don’t think cinephiles are going to pass up movies like Past Lives, Poor Things, and American Fiction. But don’t forget to watch Anatomy of a Fall when you get a chance. Anatomy of a Fall is a courtroom drama, but what stands out is how much it lets us, viewers, do all the work. It’s fictional, but the movie does not ignore our current obsession with true crime documentaries, and I really enjoyed how this movie deals with that reality without getting bogged down by it. So, I just gave you an assignment if you haven’t seen it.
I like to watch the Oscars with snacks in one hand and a phone in the other, so I can text people about it, regardless of their level of interest. One of my friends always texts me and says, “One of these days, it’s gonna be you in there.” It makes me feel good that he thinks I’ll write a Best Picture, so I like to picture myself up there and who I’d thank for the fart joke movie that made it to the big time. And I promise it will be everyone on this subscription list.
TRUE DETECTIVE
I’m a little late on this, but I saw the season finale of True Detective: Night County, and I have questions. In the middle of the final episode, our leads are interrogating a suspect, and in the middle of his confession, he says: “Time is a flat circle!” Which is the same thing Matthew McConaughey’s character says in the first season, to the delight of all the viewers. But in this case, the phrase has nothing to do with anything. It’s not motivated by anything other than to signal to viewers that the seasons are connected in mysterious ways that the writers haven’t figured out yet. You can tell the actor is really trying to make it believable that a person would say this line for a legitimate reason. He rushes it, tries to throw it away, but also shouts it so we don’t miss it. It’s a mess.
Also, isn’t it a little odd how people in the world of True Detective have such boners for symbols and iconography? When was the last time you saw a spiral on a wall and decided to spend weeks of your life doing arts and crafts based on that shit? Dolls and paintings and dreamcatchers and then, inevitably, a tattoo. And for what? For a stupid spiral? Calm down.
LOVE IS BLIND
If you don’t know this show, it’s a reality show on Netflix. The premise: A number of men and women are invited to a studio where people date in “pods,” meaning they can’t see each other and talk to each other behind a wall. This “experiment” allows them to get to know each other without knowing what they look like (but this is a TV show, and none of them are hard on the eyes). If they fall in love (AKA become infatuated), the man proposes and once she agrees, they meet in person (those scenes that are so awkward that I hide behind my couch). After that, they have about a month to follow through on this insanity and actually tie the knot.
Many of the couples don’t make it to the wedding day, and if they do get that far, half of them call it quits at the altar, which is dramatic, cause that’s not something that happens too often in the real world. In our world, if you attend, say, your sister's wedding, it’s a 99.99% lock, but on this show, it’s about 50/50. Here’s what I don’t understand. If you’ve made everyone come out for a wedding, why would you say no at this point? Why say “I don’t” and embarrass them in front of a whole congregation of their friends and relatives? Just get married, for Christ’s sakes. It’s not “forever” unless you have a kid. You’re fine. It’s just a piece of paper that says you’re married. No one cares. Just say “I do” and walk it back on your own time.
ARTHUR’S THEME (BEST THAT YOU CAN DO)
I was listening to this song the other day. I find it quite charming, much like the original movie. But the lyrics:
If you get caught between the Moon and New York City
The best that you can do
The best that you can do is fall in love
The best you can do is fall in love?
I gotta say, that’s a good outcome. He’s making it sound like falling in love in NY is like getting a free pair of plastic sunglasses at your friend’s daughter's quinceañera or something. “I guess I’ll take it, if I have to. It’s just gonna sit in my car forever, but okay.”
You know, for some people, falling in love is a huge priority. It’s all they think about. They’re on dating apps and they're talking to friends and family about whether they’ve ever met the one. They even go on dating shows where they risk getting rejected at the altar. And this song is saying, “meh, you can do better than that.” I appreciate any case of underpromising and overdelivering. It’s so rare and this sick and cruel world.
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